I wish

I'm digging this song lately. It just speaks to me about the desire to be free of all the fears and anxieties and insecurities that hold us back, and I can relate to that. Plus, Sara Bareilles is just awesome.

 

Let the Rain - Sara Bareilles

 

I wish I were pretty

I wish I were brave

If I owned this city,

Then I'd make it behave

 

And if I were fearless,

Then I'd speak my truth

And the world would hear this

That's what I wish I'd do

 

If my hands could hold them, you'd see

I'd take all these secrets in me

And I'd move and mold them to be

Something I'd set free

 

I want to darken in the skies, open the floodgates up

I want to change my mind, I want to be enough

I want the water in my eyes, I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down, make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down, make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down tonight

 

I hold onto worry so tight

It's safe in here, right next to my heart

Who now shouts at the top of her voice,

"Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice!"

 

I've always felt it before,

That the world was filled with much more

Than the drowning soul I've learned to be

I just need the rain to remind me

 

I want to darken in the skies, open the floodgates up

I want to change my mind, I want to be enough

I want the water in my eyes, I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down, make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down, make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down tonight

the times, they are a-changin'

It's fall. The leaves will be gone soon, and these Ohio days in the 50s and 60s will not last forever. So what's been new lately?

 

Let's see...I have been sick with some form of upper respiratory thing since the beginning of October. It was bad for a month, then I thought I was getting better, but now the crud seems to be creeping back. I do not want to go to the doctor because I'm afraid they're going to give me a third round of antibiotics, and I am not a fan of taking antibiotics in large quantities. We'll see how long I can live on Sudafed and Mucinex.

 

A couple weeks ago, I was in my first car accident (well, "first" if you don't count the time seven years ago when I accidentally backed into a woman in my apartment parking lot [I don't]). It was a traumatic experience,  and I am just glad it's over. Our car was totaled, though, and I am sad about that. So after a stressful week of car shopping and dealing with insurance companies, I believe the mess is behind us and we can move on. Car shopping is a nightmare, by the way. You think it's going to be fun--all, "ooh yay, we get to look for another car! New things are always fun!"--but after days of scanning Craigs List, talking to strangers, and browsing at sleazy used-car dealerships, the sparkle is gone and you're ready to buy the next piece of junk jalopy that is paraded in front of you because you just want it to be OVER, for the love of sweet Jesus. (We ended up with a CRV that is actually nice, but we were at our wits' end at that point, and we probably would have driven home in anything that ran.)

 

My family Christmas is in 13 days. This is the second year we have celebrated "Thanksmas," the two-in-one holiday mega-bash. Last year, it was because my brother was leaving for Navy boot camp in December, and this year it's because he is graduating from sub school and will be moving to Washington state next month, so this is our opportunity to see him, his wife, and my little nephew. I'm looking forward to seeing my family, and the early jump on Christmas shopping (before the stores become unbearable) makes me happy.

 

Ummm....so, I think that's it. My uber-interesting life out there on the Internet for everyone to see and yawn about. Happy Ides of November, everyone.

stinky no more

My husband just replaced our garbage disposal. I am proud of him.

Our old one was intermittently stinky, and recently it had started to leak.

It was time.

Good job, husband. Your handiwork saves us hundreds of dollars every year, and I'm thankful that you know how to do these things (or if you don't, that you figure it out). You rock.

Hello?

Does anyone read this blog anymore? I fear I may have lost my readers with all the blog address/identity changes over the years, like how one loses a pursuer by making sharp turns down alleys and jumping fences. (You know, like in the movies. Think Bourne Identity.)

 

I never meant to lose you, readers! My blog-dentity has just been wandering aimlessly and trying to find its way, not trying to shake anyone following it. I hope some of you are still out there.

Wha? Where'd this decade go?

I turn 30 today.

 

Holy crap.

 

That's all I have to say about that right now.

pretty bird

Yesterday I was driving home from the grocery store and a guy in a black Jeep flipped me off. I truly think he was in the wrong (however, I won't tell you what I did to get flipped off because you might take his side, and I am enjoying feeling right).

The whole experience was kind of funny to me, and the part that surprises me is that I didn't get too upset when I saw his big, knuckly finger in my rear-view mirror. I got a little fired up/indignant, but not the "I'm gonna cry" kind of feeling that a friend once described after her first birdy experience. When I got home and told Craig what had happened, he said (with sarcasm) "That's gotta make you feel good." and I said, "Actually, it kind of did. I felt self-righteously good."

I don't know. Maybe that doesn't make sense to you without knowing the series of traffic events, but I guess in a nutshell I will say that the guy was driving like a punk bully, and I stuck up for myself (in a vehicular fashion) and it pissed the guy off. So maybe I felt proud of myself. Maybe I felt safe and anonymous in the car and therefore more prone to confrontation than I am in "real" life.

And maybe this is a dumb story, now that I think about it, but I think I'm going to post it anyway. Because it feels good to stick up for yourself, even if it's just against jackass drivers in black Jeeps.

the Giver eternally

"It is a grief to the heart of God when we try to provide things for him. He is so very, very rich. It gives him true joy when we just let him give and give and give again to us. It is a grief to him, too, when we try to do things for him, for he is so very, very able. He longs that we will just let him do and do and do. He wants to be the Giver eternally, and he wants to be the Doer eternally. If only we saw how rich and how great he is, we would leave all the giving and all the doing to him."

-Watchman Nee, Sit, Walk, Stand

Day 16--a song that makes you cry (or nearly)

I don't know if I'll do anywhere near all of these "Day X" posts, but we are having technical difficulties at work right now, and I literally have nothing else to do while I wait for things to get back up and running.
 
Okay, I initially was going to talk about "You're My Home" by Billy Joel, and how it makes me think of my husband, but then I started typing out the lyrics and realized some of the lines are a bit PG-rated and might be interpreted as TMI (not what I was going for). So, here's another song that gets me teary-eyed and also makes me think of my marriage. I think it's a beautiful picture of a relationship where you know someone completely and are fully known by them. I love the way she redefines "happy" in the context of a marriage in which two people have gone through some hard things together, yet there is a depth there now that is so much better than the superficial "happy" that some people settle for. The type of transparancy she describes here can be scary, so I find this song both challenging and inspiring, and it makes me thankful for my husband and the marriage we have fought for over the past seven years.
 
Different Kinds of Happy (by Sara Groves)

 

Go on and ask me anything. What do you need to know?

I'm not holding on to anything I'm not willing to let go of To be free, to be free
 
I've got to ask you something, but please don't be afraid

There's a promise here thats heavier than your answer might weigh

Baby it's me, it's me
 
It's a sweet, sweet thing

Standing here with you and nothing to hide

Light shining down to our very insides

Sharing our secrets, baring our souls,
Helping each other come clean
 
Secrets and cyphers, there's no good way to hide

There's redemption in confession and freedom in the light

I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid
 
It's a sweet, sweet thing

Standing here with you and nothing to hide

Light shining down to our very insides

Sharing our secrets, baring our souls,
Helping each other come clean 

Better than our promises

Is the day we got to keep them

I wish those two could see us now,

They never would believe how there are different kinds of happy

Different kinds of happy

There are different kinds of happy

Different kinds of happy
 
It's a sweet, sweet thing

Standing here with you and nothing to hide

Light shining down to our very insides

Sharing our secrets, baring our souls,
Helping each other come clean

restless

"In the way of righteousness there is life..." - Proverbs 12:28

 

God's way is the way of life and good things. That was the topic of discussion at last night's women's Bible study (we are studying the book of Proverbs).

 

Fitting, considering lately I have been struggling with some discontentment.

 

One of the verses we read last night had a marginal note in our study book (wish I could remember the actual verse and note--sorry) that expounded on the idea that pursuing God and God's best in our lives leads to joy, satisfaction, fulfillment, etc.

 

Like Saint Augustine prayed, I want to look to God alone for the satisfaction my heart desires. I am free to look elsewhere, but I won't find it anywhere else.

 

"Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in thee." - Augustine

Day 12--being "OCD"

Today I'm going to pretend it's Day 12 and post on "Something I am OCD about":

First, I'd like to comment on the idea of "being OCD" about something. Didn't OCD used to be a diagnosable disorder, not a state of mind? I find it amusing how flippantly we all talk about being OCD all of a sudden. I don't think this used to be the case.

Also, I find it kind of funny that this list-game-thing assumes we all have something that we are "OCD" about (I think I'll use quotes to differentiate between being actually OCD and just being anal retentive).

Lastly, I'm sure I am "OCD" about many things. There are lots of things I get weird about. I have even joked that I might be partly autistic (or I guess I should say "autistic"--no disrespect intended to those who are actually autistic). I can get really focused and obsessive about things that no one else cares about. But I will throw this out there: if you happen to know my mother, you will (or should) agree that I'm not so bad.

Now for one actual thing I am OCD about: When I sneeze or blow my nose at work, I use hand santizer afterward. Every time. Even if I sneeze into my elbow or a tissue, and even if it's just allergies (a common thing this allergy season. It's been a bad one). I should add that I have my own office with a door, and that I'm the only one who touches anything in here. Also, I used to wipe down everything in my office pretty regularly with a Clorox wipe, until the wipes ran out and I've been too lazy to get more. I guess one can't be truly "OCD" and be lazy at the same time.

Monday, and I'm blogging!

I'm sitting here drinking a Juicy Juice, and I decided to blog. No, there's probably not a connection there.

Sidenote: I do not have kids, but I enjoy juice boxes. Another childish enjoyment: silly bands. However, why I don't think this is creepy: the Juicy Juice came into my possession by accident (left in my cooler at a reunion picnic a couple weeks ago), and the one silly band I own was given to me by a friend with kids. I have resisted the urge to trade it with friends' kids (it is a princess crown, and I want to keep it).

I saw this on my friend Sarah's blog, and I'm stealing it. You're supposed to post every day for 30 days on the list of topics below. I'll attempt to do this for the next 30 calendar days, but I doubt I'll do it every day. And I'll probably pick and choose from the list, and probably out of order. So this is not just stolen, but also modified to suit my preferences.

Day 1 - your favorite song

Day 2 - your favorite movie

Day 3 - your favorite television program

Day 4 - your favorite book

Day 5 - your favorite quote

Day 6 - 20 of your favorite things

Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad

Day 9 - a photo you took

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you

Day 11 - a photo of you recently

Day 12 - something you are OCD about

Day 13 - a fictional book

Day 14 - a non-fictional book

Day 15 - your dream house

Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)

Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)

Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding

Day 19 - a talent of yours

Day 20 - a hobby of yours

Day 21 - a recipe

Day 22 - a website

Day 23 - a youtube video

Day 24 - where you live

Day 25 - your day, in great detail

Day 26 - your week, in great detail

Day 27 - your worst habit

Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse

Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days

Day 30 - a dream for the future

And because I've already wasted enough time blogging for now, I'll save my first "favorite" post for another day.

hope

So, since that last blog post was a little melancholy sounding, I feel the need to post a followup. I'm feeling better now :) Maybe because it's now 3:30 in the afternoon instead of in the morning. Either way, God has been giving me His perspective about some things lately, which always makes me feel a lot more hopeful and a lot more sane. (Sidenote: I have a friend who always uses the word "sane" in reference to God, His word, the truth, etc. I don't think there's a better word for it--when I'm relying on myself, my wisdom, my understanding, things quickly feel cloudy and confusing, and my thoughts can get a little nutty. God's truth, His wisdom, and His perspective are sanity and they are clarity, and boy I need that. A constant IV drip of that sanity.)

 

I've been reading some things lately that have been part of that IV drip--one being Proverbs, another being a book called The Bookends of the Christian Life (by Jerry Bridges and Bob Bevington). Here are a couple little nuggets that have been helpful to me lately:

 

"Do not be wise in your own eyes;

      fear the LORD and shun evil.

This will bring health to your body

      and nourishment to your bones." - Prov 3:7-8

 

Man, I do love feeling wise in my own eyes! But Proverbs (which I'm studying with some girlfriends right now) has been teaching me the value of learning to love God's wisdom and to be suspicious of my own.

 

This next one is from the Bookends book, which I highly recommend. This blurb is from the first chapter, "The Righteousness of Christ" (which is the first "bookend" that the book discusses. The other bookened is "The power of the Holy Spirit", and the idea is that these are the two things that hold our Christian lives together):

 

"We must learn to live like the apostle Paul, looking every day outside ourselves to Christ and seeing ourselves standing before God clothed in his perfect righteousness. Every day we must re-acknowledge the fact that there's nothing we can do to make ourselves either more acceptable to God or less acceptable. Regardless of how much we grow in our Christian lives, we're accepted for Christ's sake or not accepted at all. It's this reliance on Christ alone, apart from any consideration of our good or bad deeds, that enables us to experience the daily reality of the first bookend, in which the believer finds peace and joy and comfort and gratitude."

 

Good stuff.

Maybe I'll start blogging more...

...but probably not.

So, it's late. Or, early. Either way, I should be sleeping. But I woke up to pee and couldn't get back to sleep (HATE when that happens). And then my stomach started hurting pretty badly, so I decided to get up for awhile (since the last time that happened, it was the beginnings of a 24-hour pukefest flu party, and I wanted to be close to a bathroom if we were about to enjoy the sequel to that little number...)

Yeah, that was probably TMI. But hey, it's 4 am and my inner editor is asleep.

Here are some random things on my mind:

• When I feel hurt, I often have a very nasty/mean reaction. Luckily (for you, anyway) it doesn't usually come blasting out at the other person (sometimes it does indirectly, but even that I try to have some control over. Because, yeah, even passive-aggressiveness is pretty uncool). On a probably not-unrelated note, I still have a stomachache. And have been lying awake for the past 45 minutes thinking of things I'd like to say to someone if I lived in the type of world where I could really let them have it without having any consequences (such as hurting their feelings or damaging our relationship).

• On a probably not-unrelated note, it occurred to me today that I think I have some anger issues. Stuffed-down, unhealthy anger issues (but anger issues nonetheless).

• On a definitely unrelated note....whoa, how about that oil spill, eh? It's really bad. I mean, REALLY bad. Man.

• I feel like my relationship with God needs a tune-up. While on one hand, I feel like that's something I shouldn't admit "out loud," another part of me knows (knows!) that 99% of other Christians probably feel the same way. And the other 1% are in denial.

• I read something during my middle-of-the-night Web perusal that inspired me and gave me hope (and a practical step to take) for helping with that last bullet.

Okay, and I just heard a scary noise, so time to get off the computer and turn on some lights. WTH, I really need to go to sleep.

sick of being sick

So, we're going on vacation in a few days, and I can't help but feel like the odds of it being fun are being stacked against me.

 

A couple weeks ago, I noticed my throat was scratchy. Because pollen counts seem to be reaching record highs this spring, I blew it off. Then it became a sore throat. Then it became a sore throat with a weird wheezing/congested feeling in my chest. I made sure to drink lots of fluids and get plenty of sleep, and within a couple days, the sore throat went away. But the chest weirdness never quite did, and my throat was still scratchy. By the middle of last week, the chest pain/weirdness had gotten annoyingly bad, so I finally called the doctor. (It occurred to me that I didn't want to be sick on vacation, so if this was something more than allergies, I should probably get it taken care of.) Turns out, I had bronchitis. Nice.

 

Now, I hate taking antibiotics, but I filled and took my Z-pack like a good girl, again making sure to get plenty of rest and drink lots of fluids (by then, I was really feeling pretty crappy). I slowly start feeling better. Well, then earlier this week, I started noticing some symptoms that led me to believe that taking the antibiotics had made me sick in a different way. (I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that it's something that plagues women from time to time, especially if you're taking antibiotics and not eating enough yogurt.) Soooooo I called the doctor's office and asked for a prescription for this new problem (which they thankfully called in. I was really not in the mood to have to take time away from work AGAIN and pay an office visit copay AGAIN). The remedy came in a handy-dandy little pill, which made me very happy. Until it made me feel nauseated and miserable. (Note to self: super-convenient little pills can apparently have nasty side effects) At this point (yesterday), I just wanted to cry, "I just want to feel BETTER in time for vacation!" Oh, and also yesterday I found out that one of my coworkers (who had driven a bunch of us to lunch the day before, and I had sat next to her in her car and at the restaurant) has the stomach flu. She's a lovely person, but I think I might have said out loud, "If she gets me sick, I might kill her."

 

Oh, and I also checked the forecast for the city where we will be staying next week, and this is what the first three days look like:

 

Sun
May 16

Scattered T-Storms

 

 

Mon
May 17

Scattered T-Storms

 

Tue
May 18

Few Showers

 

Although, on the bright side, the 10-day forecast a few days ago showed that weather happening all week next week, but now Wednesday and Thursday are supposed to be sunny. So maybe things ARE looking up after all.

Dear blog, please forgive me for neglecting you

Why do I feel a twinge of guilt when I think about writing in here? (Or think about NOT writing in here, which is what I spend more time doing. Uh, not doing. Whatever.)

I am a writer. I do believe this is true, even when I'm not writing. I wish I were writing more, but that's another subject. Blogging is an entirely different animal. I'm not so sure anymore that I am a blogger.

The whole putting-my-life-out-there-on-the-Internet-for-anyone-to-read thing has become more unsettling over the past few years. I used to barf it all out there without a second thought, but time and circumstances have made me more cautious. So that's one reason for my blogdentity crisis.

So I changed blogs and tried only posting casual, daily stuff. Less hey-here's-my-deepest-thoughts-and-feelings type of stuff.

And that's when I really stopped blogging. Maybe I just can't do this kind of blog. And really, nothing against those types of blogs--my friends write them, I love reading them, but I just can't seem to write them about my own life. Maybe (probably) because I overanalyze everything. I'm an overthinker and an overcomplicator, and that doesn't fit well with casual blogging. Maybe.

So now instead of blogging about my pensive thoughts or blogging about my daily life, I've been blogging about blogging. How lame is that?

So forgive the identity crisis of this space. I think that's why I have kept the "Under Construction" banner up--this blog is still in process, still deciding what it wants to be (hell, IF it wants to be).

So, like the construction signs you see up in grocery stores or other places of business, I would like to thank you for your patience as you pardon the dust and mess. I hope there are at least a few of you still reading. Thank you for stepping over the yellow tape and stopping by in spite of the disasterishness of this area.

Spring is here!

Yesterday was the first day of spring! After a deadly awful winter, I couldn't be happier to see spring make its official entrance.

What's been new the past few months? Let's do a bullet list...

• Craig had nasal surgery last Wednesday. Got to stay home for a few days and take care of him. It was nice.

• Dealing with cat drama. Cosette still hates Oskar's guts, and all the anti-anxiety pills seem to do is make her getaway sprint a little slower. Sigh.

• Plans were made, plans were busted. We wanted to use our vacation time this year to go on a short-term mission trip with our church, but that fell through with some miscommunications and missed deadlines. Whoops.

• Instead, we are taking a vacation with some friends and their kids. Very much looking forward to that.

• Still recovering from the Great Winter Funk. Starting to hate Ohio between Christmas and now. The thought of moving is tempting, but we have too much other good stuff here at the moment. I need to remind myself of all those good things when the winter gets so gray and cold and dark that I want to kill myself.

Okay, bedtime. This time off from work has gotten me a little too used to staying up past midnight. Tomorrow, it's back to the real world.

Blogging takes time I just don't want to give it

I just don't have time for this these days.

Facebook, you and your status updates have made blogging (writing a bonafide long, thought-out post) feel like a daunting task. Damn you and your convenient, 140-character-limit, tiny-box-to-type-in accessibility. You are killing the blogger within me (and I don't even really mind).

Anyway, the Big Thing on my heart lately is money. How to use it wisely, how not to let it rule my life and my pursuits. How to keep it in its proper place. Simple living is the theme of the day, and I just have to say that I get excited thinking about how to trim the fat, be more creative and relational and less impulsive and self-medicating in the way I spend my time and resources. It's sad, but my default setting just runs to entertainment and activities (often the kinds that cost money) when I'm bored or looking for a way to unwind. And I'm coming to the conclusion that, not only is this is not really refreshing (in the "ahhhh" sense that my soul craves when it feels stretched too thin and in need of a break), but it's not even good for me. On a lot of levels.

But anyway, getting into all those thoughts would turn this into the long blog that I just don't feel like writing, so that's about all I'm going to say about that.

Several things prompted these thoughts, but the prominent one is the husband's current work situation. The company he works for is in the process of being bought out by its major market competitor (I'm not naming names or anything, but there was a big press release the other day, so it's not exactly a secret). No one knows yet whether it will happen, or if it does, when or if or how it will affect his current position, but needless to say it has gotten us thinking about lots of things. What we really want our lives to be characterized by. What will truly make us happy. How to continue being generous with the resources we have (especially in light of the Haiti disaster and countless other cases of serious poverty and real need around the world. Or right here in our city.). This unexpected new circumstance was a jolt to us, but in a good way. I feel like it has already brought us closer and lit a bright floodlight in both of our hearts, exposing the false gods we trust in for security, comfort, and meaning. Challenging those false securities and driving us to recommit to trusting the true God for those things, which He has always offered us and faithfully given us, in times of plenty and in times of need.

It feels good. It's an invigorating place to be. God, let us never become soft or greedy for more in a world where the treasures are so temporary. Let us never forget that everything we have has been given to us by You, and we are only stewards. Let us continue to hold loosely to all that is temporal and hold fast to what is eternal. Let us live simply, give generously, and trust You completely.