random things I have been learning (or at least thinking about)

• Pretending to know something you don't know is silly. I'd like to resolve not to do this anymore, even if I feel stupid.
• What's the point in yelling? Unless you need to have your voice heard across a large distance, there's usually no good reason to use a lot of volume to communicate something you could also communicate with just words.
• Babies are cute :) Since I've passed the 30 mark, they seem only to be getting cuter.
• Every year I dread Ohio winters a little more.
• Sometimes (often) I need people to point things out to me that I cannot see on my own.
• I used to think only kids could be bullies. I'm realizing that adults can be bullies, too.
• Even though I wish I had the answer to everything, I don't. (And that's okay.)

memo to the world

You know what, world? I don't need you to like me.

 

I almost said "I don't care what you think of me," but that's not entirely true. I do care, but I wish I didn't. And what I really mean is "It doesn't matter what you think of me." I do care, but I shouldn't. Because it doesn't matter. 

 

I don't mean that what you think doesn't matter. Of course it matters. Because you matter! Your thoughts,  your words, the things you say and do--they all matter. But what you think of me--whether you like me, don't like me, think I'm stupid, think I'm a dork--those things don't change who I am. And that's what I wanted to say, because it's been weighing me down for awhile.

 

So world, no offense here, but I don't need you to like me. After thirty years of life, I think I'm maybe starting to realize something: not everyone is going to like me. You might like me, you might not. I've spent a good part of these thirty years under the assumption that, if you don't like me, I must have done something wrong. Something I need to fix or make up for. So I try to win you over; prove to you that I am likeable, if only you'd take the time to really get to know me.

 

Oh world, I am embarrassed to admit this now, but this has been such a giant a waste of time! I've spent so much energy trying to prove something to you--that I am valuable. But you know what? In doing this, I've been saying something kind of profound: "If you don't like me, I'm not valuable." Wow! Where'd that come from? Again, no offense, but how do you get to determine whether or not I'm valuable? Who gave you that kind of power?

 

Well, I guess I did.

 

So, I'm sorry about this, but I'm taking that back. That's not something that's up to you to determine--whether or not I'm valuable. But you know what? The opposite is also true (and this is the good news!)--your value isn't determined by me or by anyone else, either. Isn't that fabulous news?

 

So anyway, I feel better getting that off my chest. And you know what the ironic thing here is, world? Now that I don't need you to like me, I think we can actually get along much better. Because we can just be free to be ourselves without having all these issues making things all weird and needy.

 

So thanks for listening, and I hope you have a fabulous day :)

Eeyore

I have lots on my mind lately, but nothing I've been eager to barf out onto the blog-o-sphere, so here will be a popcorn-ish update:

 

--Weight Watchers: Still going well, but last week was kind of a downer. I gained a little, even though I had had a very "by the book" week. So that was discouraging, and this week I am struggling with my motivation. But I'm still committed to writing everything down and taking it a day at a time, so we'll see how this Saturday goes.

 

--I have been keeping up with this blog since I heard about Colleen and Brett's loss. It has me very, very, very sad. I knew Brett in college (and knew Colleen a little), and their story is just heartwrenching. Colleen has a very soft and honest way of communicating what this has been like for them, and I think that has made their story hit home closer than I'd expected it to. Prayers for them are appreciated.

 

--I feel like a melancholy cloud has been hovering over me since the weekend, and I don't like it. I don't really want to wallow in it publicly (so I'll keep this post short), but it is what it is. Some of it is related to circumstances, some of it...oh, who knows. Blah blah frickin blah. The weather has been cooler, which you'd think would be a relief after the blazing hot summer we've had. But for some reason, I think it's making me think of fall and winter's inevitable arrival, and I keep thinking "It's halfway through August! It's too soon for this!" So yes, it's in the 70s and sunny and beautiful and I should NOT be complaining, but I think this sudden need for a jacket after dark is adding to my mopiness.

 

Okay, enough gloomy gus. See, this is probably why I don't blog more!

Again, with the Weight Watchers? What do you think this is, a diet blog?

(In my head I said that subject line like a Jewish grandmother. Not sure why.)

No, this will not become a diet blog. At least, I hope not.

Anyway, two weeks in and I am down 1.8 lbs. I was surprised and happy to find that out, considering last weekend was Craig's family reunion (aka 2-day foodfest), Monday we went out for nachos and wings for dinner, Wednesday we had Raising Canes, Thursday I got Graeter's, and...well, let's just say I was happy to see the big number go down. And two of my pairs of go-to pants now want to fall off when I walk (seems ridiculous after losing such a small amount of weight, but once again, I will just be happy and not question it).

the blog about weight loss

So, I just read something that says you should use an image or video every time you blog. I am apparently behind the times with this stuff.

It is time--I am finally back on the Weight Watchers wagon. I began Weight Watchers about 4 1/2 years ago, but I haven't really been hard core for 3 years or so. My first attempt was a success—I reached my goal and became a lifetime member, but when I changed jobs in 2008, I slowly began to lose my weight-management mojo. My previous workplace participated in the “Weight Watchers at work” program (super convenient, and you got a built-in team of moral support with fellow coworkers), and it was great. The leader was fantastic, I knew and worked with many of the people in the class, and it really helped me get excited and stay motivated to live healthier.

The at-work program at the new job, however…well, let’s just say that leader was a little less fantastic, and the group enthusiasm was…well, it sucked. (So much, in fact, that the class ceased to exist shortly after that because they could not recruit enough members to keep it going. Pitiful when you’re talking about 20 people in a place where over 1500 people work, but I digress). So anyway, I was less than pumped up by the lackluster vibe in that class, and while I remained half-assedly committed for the next year or so, that was the beginning of a slow downhill slide in my weight management/healthy living story. I’ve had a few short “that’s it, I’m going back” spurts here and there in the past couple years, but nothing like the enthusiasm I had at the beginning, and in the meantime I’ve gained 10-15 lbs (not terrible for a 3-year span and not insurmountable, but it’s a number that I don’t want to get any bigger. Kind of like my ass).

Then a couple months ago, a friend and I were talking about dieting, and she was saying she wanted to lose some weight, and I mentioned that I had done Weight Watchers (at some point I began talking about it in the past tense, apparently) and that I really liked the program and had success with it. A few weeks ago, she told me that she had started the program and was going to a meeting right down the street from where I live. Score! If I’ve learned anything during this process, it’s that staying on track is much much much easier when you have the moral support of a friend. Doing it “on your own” (without a buddy and without going to meetings) is 100x harder. Excited for her and wanting to support her (and seeing an opportunity to help myself), I told her I’d come with her.

So, that’s about it. I’m back, and I’m adjusting to the new “PointsPlus®” system (if you’ve ever done Weight Watchers but haven’t been back for awhile, the new system is totally different. Overwhelming at first, but now that I’m adjusting to it, I think I like it better).

I never meant for this to be a plug for Weight Watchers (I had just been thinking about how it took me 20 minutes to make a sandwich [pulling out the calculator with every ingredient, re-evaluating my condiment options when I realized the Miracle Whip was expired, getting WAY too excited when I realized the lunch meat was only 1 point per serving instead of 2—you know, super dorky stuff like that] and thought I’d vent about the highs and lows of trying to do this again). But since it sort of has turned into one, I’ll just add that I really am a fan of this program. It is the only “diet” program I’ve ever done, but I’ve heard enough stories about the other ones out there to be confident that Weight Watchers is the real deal. It’s affordable, you don’t have to buy a bunch of extra crap (special bars, meals, or food scales), you basically can still have all your favorite things (in moderation), and it really teaches you how to make healthy eating (and living) a lifestyle change, and not just a phase you suffer through to shed some pounds before going back to enjoying your life again. It’s the most realistic weight loss program I’ve heard of (as far as it fitting into “real life” and giving you realistic expectations of yourself) Another thing I love is that it supports you for the long haul. Since I became a lifetime member, meetings and materials have been completely free (as long as I'm within 2 lbs of my goal. But even now when I'm above my goal, I only have to pay once a month, rather than once a week, until I get back down), so I’m able to get the support I need to stick with it long-term (not that I’ve always taken advantage of that, but it’s nice to know that it’s there when I’ve decided that I’m ready again).

Anyway. Sorry if you’re totally bored by all this stuff, but it does get me excited. I figure if you’re still reading by now (or if you didn't turn back when you read the title of this post), you’re probably somewhere on this journey too—I know the only time I actually care about reading other people’s weight loss stories is when I’m in that mindset myself. If that's the case, feel free to comment and share your own happy or woeful stories :)

prayer

Tonight is our monthly prayer meeting with our group of friends. Is it a coincidence that I visited my friend Amy's blog this morning and read this? Probably not.

I have been doing some praying and waiting of my own lately, about a few different circumstances, and waiting is hard. I have been losing patience and giving in to feelings of sadness and helplessness, and Amy's reminder that God hears us was like a heavy seed sinking into my heart. I closed my eyes and reflected on that for a moment. God hears us. God hears us. God. Hears us. Hears me.

And that brought to mind a memory verse I learned years ago (I had to look up where exactly it is found in the Bible, but I had memorized it in a sing-songy rhythm that brought back every word in my mind):

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us--whatever we ask--we know that we have what we ask of him." - 1 John 3:14-15

I know that prayer is not a formula for getting everything I want. God is personal, he is relational, and following him is more like following a person than following a recipe or a list or a math problem. We don't always (or even often) know the end result. And I can get so focused on the end results of things that I miss this point: that God hears me. That he loves me. That he has a will, he knows the future and the end result, and he has all the power and control that I grieve over not having. So in all my limitedness and powerlessness, I can rest in God's nearness and His very real, very close and loving concern for me.

So often we weep and rail and rage and demand answers. But often (usually?) God's response to me is not an answer but a relationship. We want facts, He offers us Himself. And man, that really is so much better anyway.

flip-flops!

Funny (to me, anyway) conversation that occurred last night between me and the husband:

Context: I was sharing my excitement about today's Old Navy $1 flip-flop sale (limit 5), while also impressing him with my thrifty fashion sense*

Me: "I could spend $5 and have flip-flops in every color of the rainbow!"
Him: "There are more than five colors in the rainbow."
Me: "No, but I already have some! I have red and brown and..."
Him: "Brown is not a color of the rainbow."
Me: "......"

-----------------------------------------

*Note: The thrift, more so than the fashion sense, is the real source of my pride.

another song

I think these songs that have been resonating with me recently are a lyrical expression of a progression in my emotional life. At least, I hope so.

 

(by Sara Groves)

 

Spending my time sleepwalking

Moving my mouth but not saying a thing

Hoping the changes would take by working their way

From the outside in

 

I was in love with an idea

Preoccupied with how life should appear

Spending my time at the surface, preparing the halls

In a shiny veneer

 

There's so many ways to hide

There's so many ways not to feel

There's so many ways to deny what is real

 

And I just showed up for my own life

And I'm standing here taking it in, and it sure looks bright

 

I'm going to live my life inspired,

Look for the holy in the commonplace

Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real

Until I'm truly amazed

 

And I'm going to feel all my emotions

I'm going to look you in the eyes

I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear

And it changes our lives

 

There's so many ways to hide

There's so many ways not to feel

There's so many ways to deny what is real

 

And I just showed up for my own life

And I'm standing here taking it in, and it sure looks bright

 

Oh, the glory of God is man fully alive

Oh, the glory of God is man fully alive

Many the Miles

(by Sara Bareilles)

 

There's too many things I haven't done yet

There's too many sunsets I haven't seen

I can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down

You woulda thought by now I'da learned something

 

I made up my mind when I was a young girl,

I've been given this one world, I won't worry it away, no

Now and again I lose sight of the good life

I get stuck in a low light, then love comes in

 

How far do I have to go to get to you?

Many the miles, many the miles

How far do I have to go to get to you?

Many the miles, send me the miles,

And I'll be happy to

Follow you, love

 

I do what I can wherever I end up

To keep giving my good love and spreading it around

Cuz I've my fair share of "take care" and "goodbye"s

I've learned how to cry, and I'm better for that

 

How far do I have to go to get to you?

Many the miles, many the miles

How far do I have to go to get to you?

Many the miles, send me the miles,

And I'll be happy to

Follow you, love

 

Red letter day, I'm in a blue mood

Wishing that blue would just carry me away

I've been talking to God, don't know if it's helping or not,

But surely something has got to, got to, got to give

Cuz I can't keep waiting to live

 

 

How far do I have to go to get to you?

Many the miles, many the miles

How far do I have to go to get to you?

Many the miles, send me the miles,

And I'll be happy to

Follow you, love

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjL2KbnCv60 

 

 

 

 

 

 

restless

I'm antsy today. So I figured I'd blog. This will be a bullet-list of miscellaneous thoughts.

• Election talk has officially started. I read a comment on a friend-of-a-friend's blog today, and it got me all prickly inside. I have a love/hate relationship with election season. I think it's because I have strong opinions but hate conflict (bad combination). So that means that whenever someone expresses a political opinion that rubs me the wrong way, I keep quiet but seethe inside. And then blog about it. Haha.


• I was just flipping through my iPod (on shuffle, skipping around until something good came up), and I had to laugh when "Leave" by Glen Hansard appeared, immediately followed by "Stay" by Jeremy Camp. Stuff like that amuses me.


• Speaking of music...I know I'm going to sound like a crotchety old fart when I say this, but I have been a little disturbed lately by the messages I've been hearing in popular music lately. I like top 40 music, especially stuff that is catchy and has a good beat, but I really don't like having Rihanna's S&M song stuck in my head for days on end. I'm just sayin. And I used to think Ke$ha (aka "K-e-dollar-sign-HA," as the principal in Glee calls her) was upbeat and fun, but with each new song of hers that comes out, the more it bugs me how much of what she sings about is just dirty. Makes me glad not to be the parent of a teenager right now. (I know, I know, crotchety old fart. I warned you.)

Okay, that's all I got right now.

today I am thankful for

-naps that refresh when I really need it

 

-flexible work schedules

 

-friends who listen and pray for me

 

-spring being right around the corner (winter storm or no winter storm--the end of this is in sight, I know it!)

 

-moments of clarity

 

-work friends coming back from maternity leave

 

-seeing the sun on the drive to work

 

-baby cheeks

 

-fuzzy kitties