I'm back?

"Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."
-psalm 62:8

vulnerable, adj.

• easily hurt or harmed physically, mentally, or emotionally

• open to attack or damage

(And this is a virtue?? Lord? 'Splain.)

I know I must choose to be open. It's a choice. Open as in honest, but also open as in receptive. Open as in not closed like a fist. Open as in bare, as in unprotected.

No wonder the church has embraced this word "vulnerable" when it extols the virtue of honesty. I feel vulnerable when I am honest about the most fragile parts of myself. It's a scary nakedness, but it's a nakedness we're called to. 

Why?

"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin."
-1 John 1:5-7

Walking in the light = living honestly. Open.

Vulnerable.

It's scary, but worth it, the word says. There's freedom in the light, and fellowship. Community, communion, all those wonderful "together" words. That wonderful "one another" that we all crave. Walking in the light is also consistent with my identity, if I belong to Christ. Because He is in the light. If He's out there and I'm hiding in the dark, how can He and I walk together? We can't. 

Sometimes, though, I have to preach that to myself even though it feels like cardboard on my tongue. It sticks and tastes like nothing. Sometimes when I say that 1 John stuff to myself, I'm saying it purely in faith. It feels flat and not real. What feels real is my absolute terror. Sometimes the scary looms much, much larger, and all I can think about is how much I want something to hide behind. Sometimes it seems like pure lunacy, this "vulnerable." Seems so raw and painful, and who the hell wants to feel that exposed? Exposed to all the stuff Merriam-Webster so helpfully put in their definition of this "vulnerable": harm, attack, damage. Yeah, no thanks. Been there, done that, and it hurts, and no thanks.

So that Psalm verse popped into my Facebook newsfeed this morning, and I latched on as if for dear life. God is my refuge. My hiding place, says Psalm 32:7. That is good news when I feel such a need to hide someplace safe. It makes me think of who God really is. Is God the kind of god who would save me only to throw me to lions so I could be ripped apart? Sometimes this "vulnerable" feels like that. Like I could be ripped apart. Sometimes life feels like being ripped apart. 

But somehow the God who beckons me to walk with Him in the light is the same God who says He is my hiding place. I can wrap myself up in Him and be protected even as I peel more layers off of myself and take brave steps into the blinding light. Both things. True at the same time. How does he both peel off the painful bandage and BE a bandage for me? Cut into me like an expert surgeon, yet heal and protect me from damage? Imperfect metaphors (sorry, people, it's all I got today). 

Another way to put it is that there's a difference between being hurt and being harmed (this isn't my idea; I heard it in a sermon and have never forgotten it, it was so stunningly clarifying). There are plenty of things that both hurt us and harm us. The front-page headlines this week are pointing to wicked people who are causing plenty of both. But hurt and harm aren't the same thing. There are things that harm (cause damage) but may not hurt (feel painful). Many addictions are plenty harmful but actually feel good in the short term. The flip side is also true. Maybe something can feel painful and yet be good for me. Surgery. Exercise (if you're a couch potato like me). 

I think the sting of the "vulnerable" falls here. Again, typing this feels kind of like cardboard, but in faith I need to camp out here. The sting is real, the pain is real (so real, sometimes). But there is good on the other side. There has to be, otherwise God is a sadist, and He and I have been through enough together that I know that's not true. He's not out to harm me. He doesn't delight in causing me pain. He delights in bringing healing. He delights in being a hiding place (and who needs a hiding place if they're settling for the fake safety of the dark?). He delights in making himself known.

There's so much more I could write (like C.S. Lewis's wonderful analogy in Mere Christianity about how we are tin soldiers being slowly, painfully, turned to flesh, and how the part of us that feels the pain is the part that is dying and needs to die so we can truly live), but for a first blog post back, I think this is quite enough.

It's almost spring!

Of course, here in Ohio it barely feels like it has been winter, but that's how I like it. Most years, it feels like we're waiting and waiting at the door, looking for Spring's car (in our pajamas, freezing our butts off while someone behind us is calling "Close the door! You're letting out all the heat!"). This year, it feels more like Spring never really left town, so we (or I, anyway) never got the chance to really miss her with that aching, familiar "Pleeeeeeeeeease come back!" feeling that gnaws at our guts by the end of most Ohio winters. So when she finally gets here, it'll be more like she finds us playing in the yard with our backs turned, happy to be surprised that she's here to stay this time.

Aaaaaand of course, our February vacation to Arizona could have contributed to my weather optimism. Nothing quite kills the winter blues like walking around Phoenix in flip-flops and sunglasses and enjoying a beer on a patio. I have a friend at work who goes to Florida every January. When she told me that, I thought "How brilliant is THAT?! How come a winter vacation never occurred to me?" This year, we finally did it. And it was lovely.

In other news, I'm taking a class at church that is all about prayer. It has been very good, and much more challenging than I expected. In a way, praying has never felt more difficult than now, when I am focused on trying to learn to do it more often and more effectively. I am trying to push through the difficulty, and this quote (from the book Prayer by O. Hallesby) is an encouragement in that:

"I do not think that we should look upon these painful experiences too pessimistically. Surely they are more profitable than we think at the time we are going through the anguish connected with them...But if they are to be of any benefit to us, we must, in the first place, be truthful and not begin to practice deception, that is, excuse and defend our slovenly prayer life. We must admit our weakness in prayer, and admit that we are faced with a problem that cannot be solved by our own efforts."

Speaking of our own efforts...I'm realizing that I am very much in love with my own efforts. I like to think that any difficulty can be solved by my applying effort to it. I am very good at trying hard, and I like the feeling that I can do something well when I do try hard. Spiritually speaking, this type of approach is suicide. The heart of the gospel* is that my self-efforts are futile next to what God requires of me. The gospel says that I have tried (we all have tried) and failed. So Christ did what I could not do, and now the only effort of mine that is fruitful is the effort I put toward trusting that Jesus is enough. So I must press on, but not in working for God or somehow proving that I am good enough, but I have to press on in faith. Something cool that our class teacher said was that when we realize how weak we are (when prayer feels so difficult), instead of getting bummed out and giving up, we can take our weakness and combine it with faith. Bring it to God, and tell him we are weak. That is prayer, and God says it bears fruit.

"Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing." - Jesus (John 15:5)

So I'm excited about this class.
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*The link was not buried there by Internet spammers. It's a 5-minute lyrical masterpiece that describes the gospel very well. Well worth your 5 minutes.

random things I have been learning (or at least thinking about)

• Pretending to know something you don't know is silly. I'd like to resolve not to do this anymore, even if I feel stupid.
• What's the point in yelling? Unless you need to have your voice heard across a large distance, there's usually no good reason to use a lot of volume to communicate something you could also communicate with just words.
• Babies are cute :) Since I've passed the 30 mark, they seem only to be getting cuter.
• Every year I dread Ohio winters a little more.
• Sometimes (often) I need people to point things out to me that I cannot see on my own.
• I used to think only kids could be bullies. I'm realizing that adults can be bullies, too.
• Even though I wish I had the answer to everything, I don't. (And that's okay.)

memo to the world

You know what, world? I don't need you to like me.

 

I almost said "I don't care what you think of me," but that's not entirely true. I do care, but I wish I didn't. And what I really mean is "It doesn't matter what you think of me." I do care, but I shouldn't. Because it doesn't matter. 

 

I don't mean that what you think doesn't matter. Of course it matters. Because you matter! Your thoughts,  your words, the things you say and do--they all matter. But what you think of me--whether you like me, don't like me, think I'm stupid, think I'm a dork--those things don't change who I am. And that's what I wanted to say, because it's been weighing me down for awhile.

 

So world, no offense here, but I don't need you to like me. After thirty years of life, I think I'm maybe starting to realize something: not everyone is going to like me. You might like me, you might not. I've spent a good part of these thirty years under the assumption that, if you don't like me, I must have done something wrong. Something I need to fix or make up for. So I try to win you over; prove to you that I am likeable, if only you'd take the time to really get to know me.

 

Oh world, I am embarrassed to admit this now, but this has been such a giant a waste of time! I've spent so much energy trying to prove something to you--that I am valuable. But you know what? In doing this, I've been saying something kind of profound: "If you don't like me, I'm not valuable." Wow! Where'd that come from? Again, no offense, but how do you get to determine whether or not I'm valuable? Who gave you that kind of power?

 

Well, I guess I did.

 

So, I'm sorry about this, but I'm taking that back. That's not something that's up to you to determine--whether or not I'm valuable. But you know what? The opposite is also true (and this is the good news!)--your value isn't determined by me or by anyone else, either. Isn't that fabulous news?

 

So anyway, I feel better getting that off my chest. And you know what the ironic thing here is, world? Now that I don't need you to like me, I think we can actually get along much better. Because we can just be free to be ourselves without having all these issues making things all weird and needy.

 

So thanks for listening, and I hope you have a fabulous day :)

Eeyore

I have lots on my mind lately, but nothing I've been eager to barf out onto the blog-o-sphere, so here will be a popcorn-ish update:

 

--Weight Watchers: Still going well, but last week was kind of a downer. I gained a little, even though I had had a very "by the book" week. So that was discouraging, and this week I am struggling with my motivation. But I'm still committed to writing everything down and taking it a day at a time, so we'll see how this Saturday goes.

 

--I have been keeping up with this blog since I heard about Colleen and Brett's loss. It has me very, very, very sad. I knew Brett in college (and knew Colleen a little), and their story is just heartwrenching. Colleen has a very soft and honest way of communicating what this has been like for them, and I think that has made their story hit home closer than I'd expected it to. Prayers for them are appreciated.

 

--I feel like a melancholy cloud has been hovering over me since the weekend, and I don't like it. I don't really want to wallow in it publicly (so I'll keep this post short), but it is what it is. Some of it is related to circumstances, some of it...oh, who knows. Blah blah frickin blah. The weather has been cooler, which you'd think would be a relief after the blazing hot summer we've had. But for some reason, I think it's making me think of fall and winter's inevitable arrival, and I keep thinking "It's halfway through August! It's too soon for this!" So yes, it's in the 70s and sunny and beautiful and I should NOT be complaining, but I think this sudden need for a jacket after dark is adding to my mopiness.

 

Okay, enough gloomy gus. See, this is probably why I don't blog more!

Again, with the Weight Watchers? What do you think this is, a diet blog?

(In my head I said that subject line like a Jewish grandmother. Not sure why.)

No, this will not become a diet blog. At least, I hope not.

Anyway, two weeks in and I am down 1.8 lbs. I was surprised and happy to find that out, considering last weekend was Craig's family reunion (aka 2-day foodfest), Monday we went out for nachos and wings for dinner, Wednesday we had Raising Canes, Thursday I got Graeter's, and...well, let's just say I was happy to see the big number go down. And two of my pairs of go-to pants now want to fall off when I walk (seems ridiculous after losing such a small amount of weight, but once again, I will just be happy and not question it).

the blog about weight loss

So, I just read something that says you should use an image or video every time you blog. I am apparently behind the times with this stuff.

It is time--I am finally back on the Weight Watchers wagon. I began Weight Watchers about 4 1/2 years ago, but I haven't really been hard core for 3 years or so. My first attempt was a success—I reached my goal and became a lifetime member, but when I changed jobs in 2008, I slowly began to lose my weight-management mojo. My previous workplace participated in the “Weight Watchers at work” program (super convenient, and you got a built-in team of moral support with fellow coworkers), and it was great. The leader was fantastic, I knew and worked with many of the people in the class, and it really helped me get excited and stay motivated to live healthier.

The at-work program at the new job, however…well, let’s just say that leader was a little less fantastic, and the group enthusiasm was…well, it sucked. (So much, in fact, that the class ceased to exist shortly after that because they could not recruit enough members to keep it going. Pitiful when you’re talking about 20 people in a place where over 1500 people work, but I digress). So anyway, I was less than pumped up by the lackluster vibe in that class, and while I remained half-assedly committed for the next year or so, that was the beginning of a slow downhill slide in my weight management/healthy living story. I’ve had a few short “that’s it, I’m going back” spurts here and there in the past couple years, but nothing like the enthusiasm I had at the beginning, and in the meantime I’ve gained 10-15 lbs (not terrible for a 3-year span and not insurmountable, but it’s a number that I don’t want to get any bigger. Kind of like my ass).

Then a couple months ago, a friend and I were talking about dieting, and she was saying she wanted to lose some weight, and I mentioned that I had done Weight Watchers (at some point I began talking about it in the past tense, apparently) and that I really liked the program and had success with it. A few weeks ago, she told me that she had started the program and was going to a meeting right down the street from where I live. Score! If I’ve learned anything during this process, it’s that staying on track is much much much easier when you have the moral support of a friend. Doing it “on your own” (without a buddy and without going to meetings) is 100x harder. Excited for her and wanting to support her (and seeing an opportunity to help myself), I told her I’d come with her.

So, that’s about it. I’m back, and I’m adjusting to the new “PointsPlus®” system (if you’ve ever done Weight Watchers but haven’t been back for awhile, the new system is totally different. Overwhelming at first, but now that I’m adjusting to it, I think I like it better).

I never meant for this to be a plug for Weight Watchers (I had just been thinking about how it took me 20 minutes to make a sandwich [pulling out the calculator with every ingredient, re-evaluating my condiment options when I realized the Miracle Whip was expired, getting WAY too excited when I realized the lunch meat was only 1 point per serving instead of 2—you know, super dorky stuff like that] and thought I’d vent about the highs and lows of trying to do this again). But since it sort of has turned into one, I’ll just add that I really am a fan of this program. It is the only “diet” program I’ve ever done, but I’ve heard enough stories about the other ones out there to be confident that Weight Watchers is the real deal. It’s affordable, you don’t have to buy a bunch of extra crap (special bars, meals, or food scales), you basically can still have all your favorite things (in moderation), and it really teaches you how to make healthy eating (and living) a lifestyle change, and not just a phase you suffer through to shed some pounds before going back to enjoying your life again. It’s the most realistic weight loss program I’ve heard of (as far as it fitting into “real life” and giving you realistic expectations of yourself) Another thing I love is that it supports you for the long haul. Since I became a lifetime member, meetings and materials have been completely free (as long as I'm within 2 lbs of my goal. But even now when I'm above my goal, I only have to pay once a month, rather than once a week, until I get back down), so I’m able to get the support I need to stick with it long-term (not that I’ve always taken advantage of that, but it’s nice to know that it’s there when I’ve decided that I’m ready again).

Anyway. Sorry if you’re totally bored by all this stuff, but it does get me excited. I figure if you’re still reading by now (or if you didn't turn back when you read the title of this post), you’re probably somewhere on this journey too—I know the only time I actually care about reading other people’s weight loss stories is when I’m in that mindset myself. If that's the case, feel free to comment and share your own happy or woeful stories :)

prayer

Tonight is our monthly prayer meeting with our group of friends. Is it a coincidence that I visited my friend Amy's blog this morning and read this? Probably not.

I have been doing some praying and waiting of my own lately, about a few different circumstances, and waiting is hard. I have been losing patience and giving in to feelings of sadness and helplessness, and Amy's reminder that God hears us was like a heavy seed sinking into my heart. I closed my eyes and reflected on that for a moment. God hears us. God hears us. God. Hears us. Hears me.

And that brought to mind a memory verse I learned years ago (I had to look up where exactly it is found in the Bible, but I had memorized it in a sing-songy rhythm that brought back every word in my mind):

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us--whatever we ask--we know that we have what we ask of him." - 1 John 3:14-15

I know that prayer is not a formula for getting everything I want. God is personal, he is relational, and following him is more like following a person than following a recipe or a list or a math problem. We don't always (or even often) know the end result. And I can get so focused on the end results of things that I miss this point: that God hears me. That he loves me. That he has a will, he knows the future and the end result, and he has all the power and control that I grieve over not having. So in all my limitedness and powerlessness, I can rest in God's nearness and His very real, very close and loving concern for me.

So often we weep and rail and rage and demand answers. But often (usually?) God's response to me is not an answer but a relationship. We want facts, He offers us Himself. And man, that really is so much better anyway.

flip-flops!

Funny (to me, anyway) conversation that occurred last night between me and the husband:

Context: I was sharing my excitement about today's Old Navy $1 flip-flop sale (limit 5), while also impressing him with my thrifty fashion sense*

Me: "I could spend $5 and have flip-flops in every color of the rainbow!"
Him: "There are more than five colors in the rainbow."
Me: "No, but I already have some! I have red and brown and..."
Him: "Brown is not a color of the rainbow."
Me: "......"

-----------------------------------------

*Note: The thrift, more so than the fashion sense, is the real source of my pride.

another song

I think these songs that have been resonating with me recently are a lyrical expression of a progression in my emotional life. At least, I hope so.

 

(by Sara Groves)

 

Spending my time sleepwalking

Moving my mouth but not saying a thing

Hoping the changes would take by working their way

From the outside in

 

I was in love with an idea

Preoccupied with how life should appear

Spending my time at the surface, preparing the halls

In a shiny veneer

 

There's so many ways to hide

There's so many ways not to feel

There's so many ways to deny what is real

 

And I just showed up for my own life

And I'm standing here taking it in, and it sure looks bright

 

I'm going to live my life inspired,

Look for the holy in the commonplace

Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real

Until I'm truly amazed

 

And I'm going to feel all my emotions

I'm going to look you in the eyes

I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear

And it changes our lives

 

There's so many ways to hide

There's so many ways not to feel

There's so many ways to deny what is real

 

And I just showed up for my own life

And I'm standing here taking it in, and it sure looks bright

 

Oh, the glory of God is man fully alive

Oh, the glory of God is man fully alive

Many the Miles

(by Sara Bareilles)

 

There's too many things I haven't done yet

There's too many sunsets I haven't seen

I can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down

You woulda thought by now I'da learned something

 

I made up my mind when I was a young girl,

I've been given this one world, I won't worry it away, no

Now and again I lose sight of the good life

I get stuck in a low light, then love comes in

 

How far do I have to go to get to you?

Many the miles, many the miles

How far do I have to go to get to you?

Many the miles, send me the miles,

And I'll be happy to

Follow you, love

 

I do what I can wherever I end up

To keep giving my good love and spreading it around

Cuz I've my fair share of "take care" and "goodbye"s

I've learned how to cry, and I'm better for that

 

How far do I have to go to get to you?

Many the miles, many the miles

How far do I have to go to get to you?

Many the miles, send me the miles,

And I'll be happy to

Follow you, love

 

Red letter day, I'm in a blue mood

Wishing that blue would just carry me away

I've been talking to God, don't know if it's helping or not,

But surely something has got to, got to, got to give

Cuz I can't keep waiting to live

 

 

How far do I have to go to get to you?

Many the miles, many the miles

How far do I have to go to get to you?

Many the miles, send me the miles,

And I'll be happy to

Follow you, love

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjL2KbnCv60 

 

 

 

 

 

 

restless

I'm antsy today. So I figured I'd blog. This will be a bullet-list of miscellaneous thoughts.

• Election talk has officially started. I read a comment on a friend-of-a-friend's blog today, and it got me all prickly inside. I have a love/hate relationship with election season. I think it's because I have strong opinions but hate conflict (bad combination). So that means that whenever someone expresses a political opinion that rubs me the wrong way, I keep quiet but seethe inside. And then blog about it. Haha.


• I was just flipping through my iPod (on shuffle, skipping around until something good came up), and I had to laugh when "Leave" by Glen Hansard appeared, immediately followed by "Stay" by Jeremy Camp. Stuff like that amuses me.


• Speaking of music...I know I'm going to sound like a crotchety old fart when I say this, but I have been a little disturbed lately by the messages I've been hearing in popular music lately. I like top 40 music, especially stuff that is catchy and has a good beat, but I really don't like having Rihanna's S&M song stuck in my head for days on end. I'm just sayin. And I used to think Ke$ha (aka "K-e-dollar-sign-HA," as the principal in Glee calls her) was upbeat and fun, but with each new song of hers that comes out, the more it bugs me how much of what she sings about is just dirty. Makes me glad not to be the parent of a teenager right now. (I know, I know, crotchety old fart. I warned you.)

Okay, that's all I got right now.

today I am thankful for

-naps that refresh when I really need it

 

-flexible work schedules

 

-friends who listen and pray for me

 

-spring being right around the corner (winter storm or no winter storm--the end of this is in sight, I know it!)

 

-moments of clarity

 

-work friends coming back from maternity leave

 

-seeing the sun on the drive to work

 

-baby cheeks

 

-fuzzy kitties

I wish

I'm digging this song lately. It just speaks to me about the desire to be free of all the fears and anxieties and insecurities that hold us back, and I can relate to that. Plus, Sara Bareilles is just awesome.

 

Let the Rain - Sara Bareilles

 

I wish I were pretty

I wish I were brave

If I owned this city,

Then I'd make it behave

 

And if I were fearless,

Then I'd speak my truth

And the world would hear this

That's what I wish I'd do

 

If my hands could hold them, you'd see

I'd take all these secrets in me

And I'd move and mold them to be

Something I'd set free

 

I want to darken in the skies, open the floodgates up

I want to change my mind, I want to be enough

I want the water in my eyes, I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down, make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down, make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down tonight

 

I hold onto worry so tight

It's safe in here, right next to my heart

Who now shouts at the top of her voice,

"Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice!"

 

I've always felt it before,

That the world was filled with much more

Than the drowning soul I've learned to be

I just need the rain to remind me

 

I want to darken in the skies, open the floodgates up

I want to change my mind, I want to be enough

I want the water in my eyes, I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down, make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down, make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down tonight

the times, they are a-changin'

It's fall. The leaves will be gone soon, and these Ohio days in the 50s and 60s will not last forever. So what's been new lately?

 

Let's see...I have been sick with some form of upper respiratory thing since the beginning of October. It was bad for a month, then I thought I was getting better, but now the crud seems to be creeping back. I do not want to go to the doctor because I'm afraid they're going to give me a third round of antibiotics, and I am not a fan of taking antibiotics in large quantities. We'll see how long I can live on Sudafed and Mucinex.

 

A couple weeks ago, I was in my first car accident (well, "first" if you don't count the time seven years ago when I accidentally backed into a woman in my apartment parking lot [I don't]). It was a traumatic experience,  and I am just glad it's over. Our car was totaled, though, and I am sad about that. So after a stressful week of car shopping and dealing with insurance companies, I believe the mess is behind us and we can move on. Car shopping is a nightmare, by the way. You think it's going to be fun--all, "ooh yay, we get to look for another car! New things are always fun!"--but after days of scanning Craigs List, talking to strangers, and browsing at sleazy used-car dealerships, the sparkle is gone and you're ready to buy the next piece of junk jalopy that is paraded in front of you because you just want it to be OVER, for the love of sweet Jesus. (We ended up with a CRV that is actually nice, but we were at our wits' end at that point, and we probably would have driven home in anything that ran.)

 

My family Christmas is in 13 days. This is the second year we have celebrated "Thanksmas," the two-in-one holiday mega-bash. Last year, it was because my brother was leaving for Navy boot camp in December, and this year it's because he is graduating from sub school and will be moving to Washington state next month, so this is our opportunity to see him, his wife, and my little nephew. I'm looking forward to seeing my family, and the early jump on Christmas shopping (before the stores become unbearable) makes me happy.

 

Ummm....so, I think that's it. My uber-interesting life out there on the Internet for everyone to see and yawn about. Happy Ides of November, everyone.

stinky no more

My husband just replaced our garbage disposal. I am proud of him.

Our old one was intermittently stinky, and recently it had started to leak.

It was time.

Good job, husband. Your handiwork saves us hundreds of dollars every year, and I'm thankful that you know how to do these things (or if you don't, that you figure it out). You rock.

Hello?

Does anyone read this blog anymore? I fear I may have lost my readers with all the blog address/identity changes over the years, like how one loses a pursuer by making sharp turns down alleys and jumping fences. (You know, like in the movies. Think Bourne Identity.)

 

I never meant to lose you, readers! My blog-dentity has just been wandering aimlessly and trying to find its way, not trying to shake anyone following it. I hope some of you are still out there.

Wha? Where'd this decade go?

I turn 30 today.

 

Holy crap.

 

That's all I have to say about that right now.

pretty bird

Yesterday I was driving home from the grocery store and a guy in a black Jeep flipped me off. I truly think he was in the wrong (however, I won't tell you what I did to get flipped off because you might take his side, and I am enjoying feeling right).

The whole experience was kind of funny to me, and the part that surprises me is that I didn't get too upset when I saw his big, knuckly finger in my rear-view mirror. I got a little fired up/indignant, but not the "I'm gonna cry" kind of feeling that a friend once described after her first birdy experience. When I got home and told Craig what had happened, he said (with sarcasm) "That's gotta make you feel good." and I said, "Actually, it kind of did. I felt self-righteously good."

I don't know. Maybe that doesn't make sense to you without knowing the series of traffic events, but I guess in a nutshell I will say that the guy was driving like a punk bully, and I stuck up for myself (in a vehicular fashion) and it pissed the guy off. So maybe I felt proud of myself. Maybe I felt safe and anonymous in the car and therefore more prone to confrontation than I am in "real" life.

And maybe this is a dumb story, now that I think about it, but I think I'm going to post it anyway. Because it feels good to stick up for yourself, even if it's just against jackass drivers in black Jeeps.

the Giver eternally

"It is a grief to the heart of God when we try to provide things for him. He is so very, very rich. It gives him true joy when we just let him give and give and give again to us. It is a grief to him, too, when we try to do things for him, for he is so very, very able. He longs that we will just let him do and do and do. He wants to be the Giver eternally, and he wants to be the Doer eternally. If only we saw how rich and how great he is, we would leave all the giving and all the doing to him."

-Watchman Nee, Sit, Walk, Stand