hope

So, since that last blog post was a little melancholy sounding, I feel the need to post a followup. I'm feeling better now :) Maybe because it's now 3:30 in the afternoon instead of in the morning. Either way, God has been giving me His perspective about some things lately, which always makes me feel a lot more hopeful and a lot more sane. (Sidenote: I have a friend who always uses the word "sane" in reference to God, His word, the truth, etc. I don't think there's a better word for it--when I'm relying on myself, my wisdom, my understanding, things quickly feel cloudy and confusing, and my thoughts can get a little nutty. God's truth, His wisdom, and His perspective are sanity and they are clarity, and boy I need that. A constant IV drip of that sanity.)

 

I've been reading some things lately that have been part of that IV drip--one being Proverbs, another being a book called The Bookends of the Christian Life (by Jerry Bridges and Bob Bevington). Here are a couple little nuggets that have been helpful to me lately:

 

"Do not be wise in your own eyes;

      fear the LORD and shun evil.

This will bring health to your body

      and nourishment to your bones." - Prov 3:7-8

 

Man, I do love feeling wise in my own eyes! But Proverbs (which I'm studying with some girlfriends right now) has been teaching me the value of learning to love God's wisdom and to be suspicious of my own.

 

This next one is from the Bookends book, which I highly recommend. This blurb is from the first chapter, "The Righteousness of Christ" (which is the first "bookend" that the book discusses. The other bookened is "The power of the Holy Spirit", and the idea is that these are the two things that hold our Christian lives together):

 

"We must learn to live like the apostle Paul, looking every day outside ourselves to Christ and seeing ourselves standing before God clothed in his perfect righteousness. Every day we must re-acknowledge the fact that there's nothing we can do to make ourselves either more acceptable to God or less acceptable. Regardless of how much we grow in our Christian lives, we're accepted for Christ's sake or not accepted at all. It's this reliance on Christ alone, apart from any consideration of our good or bad deeds, that enables us to experience the daily reality of the first bookend, in which the believer finds peace and joy and comfort and gratitude."

 

Good stuff.

Maybe I'll start blogging more...

...but probably not.

So, it's late. Or, early. Either way, I should be sleeping. But I woke up to pee and couldn't get back to sleep (HATE when that happens). And then my stomach started hurting pretty badly, so I decided to get up for awhile (since the last time that happened, it was the beginnings of a 24-hour pukefest flu party, and I wanted to be close to a bathroom if we were about to enjoy the sequel to that little number...)

Yeah, that was probably TMI. But hey, it's 4 am and my inner editor is asleep.

Here are some random things on my mind:

• When I feel hurt, I often have a very nasty/mean reaction. Luckily (for you, anyway) it doesn't usually come blasting out at the other person (sometimes it does indirectly, but even that I try to have some control over. Because, yeah, even passive-aggressiveness is pretty uncool). On a probably not-unrelated note, I still have a stomachache. And have been lying awake for the past 45 minutes thinking of things I'd like to say to someone if I lived in the type of world where I could really let them have it without having any consequences (such as hurting their feelings or damaging our relationship).

• On a probably not-unrelated note, it occurred to me today that I think I have some anger issues. Stuffed-down, unhealthy anger issues (but anger issues nonetheless).

• On a definitely unrelated note....whoa, how about that oil spill, eh? It's really bad. I mean, REALLY bad. Man.

• I feel like my relationship with God needs a tune-up. While on one hand, I feel like that's something I shouldn't admit "out loud," another part of me knows (knows!) that 99% of other Christians probably feel the same way. And the other 1% are in denial.

• I read something during my middle-of-the-night Web perusal that inspired me and gave me hope (and a practical step to take) for helping with that last bullet.

Okay, and I just heard a scary noise, so time to get off the computer and turn on some lights. WTH, I really need to go to sleep.

sick of being sick

So, we're going on vacation in a few days, and I can't help but feel like the odds of it being fun are being stacked against me.

 

A couple weeks ago, I noticed my throat was scratchy. Because pollen counts seem to be reaching record highs this spring, I blew it off. Then it became a sore throat. Then it became a sore throat with a weird wheezing/congested feeling in my chest. I made sure to drink lots of fluids and get plenty of sleep, and within a couple days, the sore throat went away. But the chest weirdness never quite did, and my throat was still scratchy. By the middle of last week, the chest pain/weirdness had gotten annoyingly bad, so I finally called the doctor. (It occurred to me that I didn't want to be sick on vacation, so if this was something more than allergies, I should probably get it taken care of.) Turns out, I had bronchitis. Nice.

 

Now, I hate taking antibiotics, but I filled and took my Z-pack like a good girl, again making sure to get plenty of rest and drink lots of fluids (by then, I was really feeling pretty crappy). I slowly start feeling better. Well, then earlier this week, I started noticing some symptoms that led me to believe that taking the antibiotics had made me sick in a different way. (I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that it's something that plagues women from time to time, especially if you're taking antibiotics and not eating enough yogurt.) Soooooo I called the doctor's office and asked for a prescription for this new problem (which they thankfully called in. I was really not in the mood to have to take time away from work AGAIN and pay an office visit copay AGAIN). The remedy came in a handy-dandy little pill, which made me very happy. Until it made me feel nauseated and miserable. (Note to self: super-convenient little pills can apparently have nasty side effects) At this point (yesterday), I just wanted to cry, "I just want to feel BETTER in time for vacation!" Oh, and also yesterday I found out that one of my coworkers (who had driven a bunch of us to lunch the day before, and I had sat next to her in her car and at the restaurant) has the stomach flu. She's a lovely person, but I think I might have said out loud, "If she gets me sick, I might kill her."

 

Oh, and I also checked the forecast for the city where we will be staying next week, and this is what the first three days look like:

 

Sun
May 16

Scattered T-Storms

 

 

Mon
May 17

Scattered T-Storms

 

Tue
May 18

Few Showers

 

Although, on the bright side, the 10-day forecast a few days ago showed that weather happening all week next week, but now Wednesday and Thursday are supposed to be sunny. So maybe things ARE looking up after all.

Dear blog, please forgive me for neglecting you

Why do I feel a twinge of guilt when I think about writing in here? (Or think about NOT writing in here, which is what I spend more time doing. Uh, not doing. Whatever.)

I am a writer. I do believe this is true, even when I'm not writing. I wish I were writing more, but that's another subject. Blogging is an entirely different animal. I'm not so sure anymore that I am a blogger.

The whole putting-my-life-out-there-on-the-Internet-for-anyone-to-read thing has become more unsettling over the past few years. I used to barf it all out there without a second thought, but time and circumstances have made me more cautious. So that's one reason for my blogdentity crisis.

So I changed blogs and tried only posting casual, daily stuff. Less hey-here's-my-deepest-thoughts-and-feelings type of stuff.

And that's when I really stopped blogging. Maybe I just can't do this kind of blog. And really, nothing against those types of blogs--my friends write them, I love reading them, but I just can't seem to write them about my own life. Maybe (probably) because I overanalyze everything. I'm an overthinker and an overcomplicator, and that doesn't fit well with casual blogging. Maybe.

So now instead of blogging about my pensive thoughts or blogging about my daily life, I've been blogging about blogging. How lame is that?

So forgive the identity crisis of this space. I think that's why I have kept the "Under Construction" banner up--this blog is still in process, still deciding what it wants to be (hell, IF it wants to be).

So, like the construction signs you see up in grocery stores or other places of business, I would like to thank you for your patience as you pardon the dust and mess. I hope there are at least a few of you still reading. Thank you for stepping over the yellow tape and stopping by in spite of the disasterishness of this area.

Spring is here!

Yesterday was the first day of spring! After a deadly awful winter, I couldn't be happier to see spring make its official entrance.

What's been new the past few months? Let's do a bullet list...

• Craig had nasal surgery last Wednesday. Got to stay home for a few days and take care of him. It was nice.

• Dealing with cat drama. Cosette still hates Oskar's guts, and all the anti-anxiety pills seem to do is make her getaway sprint a little slower. Sigh.

• Plans were made, plans were busted. We wanted to use our vacation time this year to go on a short-term mission trip with our church, but that fell through with some miscommunications and missed deadlines. Whoops.

• Instead, we are taking a vacation with some friends and their kids. Very much looking forward to that.

• Still recovering from the Great Winter Funk. Starting to hate Ohio between Christmas and now. The thought of moving is tempting, but we have too much other good stuff here at the moment. I need to remind myself of all those good things when the winter gets so gray and cold and dark that I want to kill myself.

Okay, bedtime. This time off from work has gotten me a little too used to staying up past midnight. Tomorrow, it's back to the real world.

Blogging takes time I just don't want to give it

I just don't have time for this these days.

Facebook, you and your status updates have made blogging (writing a bonafide long, thought-out post) feel like a daunting task. Damn you and your convenient, 140-character-limit, tiny-box-to-type-in accessibility. You are killing the blogger within me (and I don't even really mind).

Anyway, the Big Thing on my heart lately is money. How to use it wisely, how not to let it rule my life and my pursuits. How to keep it in its proper place. Simple living is the theme of the day, and I just have to say that I get excited thinking about how to trim the fat, be more creative and relational and less impulsive and self-medicating in the way I spend my time and resources. It's sad, but my default setting just runs to entertainment and activities (often the kinds that cost money) when I'm bored or looking for a way to unwind. And I'm coming to the conclusion that, not only is this is not really refreshing (in the "ahhhh" sense that my soul craves when it feels stretched too thin and in need of a break), but it's not even good for me. On a lot of levels.

But anyway, getting into all those thoughts would turn this into the long blog that I just don't feel like writing, so that's about all I'm going to say about that.

Several things prompted these thoughts, but the prominent one is the husband's current work situation. The company he works for is in the process of being bought out by its major market competitor (I'm not naming names or anything, but there was a big press release the other day, so it's not exactly a secret). No one knows yet whether it will happen, or if it does, when or if or how it will affect his current position, but needless to say it has gotten us thinking about lots of things. What we really want our lives to be characterized by. What will truly make us happy. How to continue being generous with the resources we have (especially in light of the Haiti disaster and countless other cases of serious poverty and real need around the world. Or right here in our city.). This unexpected new circumstance was a jolt to us, but in a good way. I feel like it has already brought us closer and lit a bright floodlight in both of our hearts, exposing the false gods we trust in for security, comfort, and meaning. Challenging those false securities and driving us to recommit to trusting the true God for those things, which He has always offered us and faithfully given us, in times of plenty and in times of need.

It feels good. It's an invigorating place to be. God, let us never become soft or greedy for more in a world where the treasures are so temporary. Let us never forget that everything we have has been given to us by You, and we are only stewards. Let us continue to hold loosely to all that is temporal and hold fast to what is eternal. Let us live simply, give generously, and trust You completely.

thankful!

I know this is late for the thanksgiving-themed posts, but I just have to say that I am thankful for my awesome boss. I have not always had good bosses in the past (and I'm sure I'll have crappy ones again in the future), as I'm sure everyone can relate to. However, my current job is wonderful in many respects, one of them being that I'm blessed to have a boss who

-listens to her employees

-isn't a company robot (spouting the corporate line with a glassy-eyed, inhuman gaze that says "I've forgotten what it's like to be a real person")

-understands that her people have families and lives that often have to take priority over their jobs

-is known as "the best one" of the group of managers here

-somehow has mastered the mystical balance between being good at the functional day-to-day operations as well as being good at managing the people under her (most bosses are good at either one or the other; it's rare to find one who does both well)

-is just a nice person.

So yeah. In the current economic climate of joblessness and financial uncertainty, I am grateful every day that I have a job to go to at all--the other added bonuses of working here are ones I don't want to take for granted, either.