prayer

Tonight is our monthly prayer meeting with our group of friends. Is it a coincidence that I visited my friend Amy's blog this morning and read this? Probably not.

I have been doing some praying and waiting of my own lately, about a few different circumstances, and waiting is hard. I have been losing patience and giving in to feelings of sadness and helplessness, and Amy's reminder that God hears us was like a heavy seed sinking into my heart. I closed my eyes and reflected on that for a moment. God hears us. God hears us. God. Hears us. Hears me.

And that brought to mind a memory verse I learned years ago (I had to look up where exactly it is found in the Bible, but I had memorized it in a sing-songy rhythm that brought back every word in my mind):

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us--whatever we ask--we know that we have what we ask of him." - 1 John 3:14-15

I know that prayer is not a formula for getting everything I want. God is personal, he is relational, and following him is more like following a person than following a recipe or a list or a math problem. We don't always (or even often) know the end result. And I can get so focused on the end results of things that I miss this point: that God hears me. That he loves me. That he has a will, he knows the future and the end result, and he has all the power and control that I grieve over not having. So in all my limitedness and powerlessness, I can rest in God's nearness and His very real, very close and loving concern for me.

So often we weep and rail and rage and demand answers. But often (usually?) God's response to me is not an answer but a relationship. We want facts, He offers us Himself. And man, that really is so much better anyway.

flip-flops!

Funny (to me, anyway) conversation that occurred last night between me and the husband:

Context: I was sharing my excitement about today's Old Navy $1 flip-flop sale (limit 5), while also impressing him with my thrifty fashion sense*

Me: "I could spend $5 and have flip-flops in every color of the rainbow!"
Him: "There are more than five colors in the rainbow."
Me: "No, but I already have some! I have red and brown and..."
Him: "Brown is not a color of the rainbow."
Me: "......"

-----------------------------------------

*Note: The thrift, more so than the fashion sense, is the real source of my pride.

another song

I think these songs that have been resonating with me recently are a lyrical expression of a progression in my emotional life. At least, I hope so.

 

(by Sara Groves)

 

Spending my time sleepwalking

Moving my mouth but not saying a thing

Hoping the changes would take by working their way

From the outside in

 

I was in love with an idea

Preoccupied with how life should appear

Spending my time at the surface, preparing the halls

In a shiny veneer

 

There's so many ways to hide

There's so many ways not to feel

There's so many ways to deny what is real

 

And I just showed up for my own life

And I'm standing here taking it in, and it sure looks bright

 

I'm going to live my life inspired,

Look for the holy in the commonplace

Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real

Until I'm truly amazed

 

And I'm going to feel all my emotions

I'm going to look you in the eyes

I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear

And it changes our lives

 

There's so many ways to hide

There's so many ways not to feel

There's so many ways to deny what is real

 

And I just showed up for my own life

And I'm standing here taking it in, and it sure looks bright

 

Oh, the glory of God is man fully alive

Oh, the glory of God is man fully alive

Many the Miles

(by Sara Bareilles)

 

There's too many things I haven't done yet

There's too many sunsets I haven't seen

I can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down

You woulda thought by now I'da learned something

 

I made up my mind when I was a young girl,

I've been given this one world, I won't worry it away, no

Now and again I lose sight of the good life

I get stuck in a low light, then love comes in

 

How far do I have to go to get to you?

Many the miles, many the miles

How far do I have to go to get to you?

Many the miles, send me the miles,

And I'll be happy to

Follow you, love

 

I do what I can wherever I end up

To keep giving my good love and spreading it around

Cuz I've my fair share of "take care" and "goodbye"s

I've learned how to cry, and I'm better for that

 

How far do I have to go to get to you?

Many the miles, many the miles

How far do I have to go to get to you?

Many the miles, send me the miles,

And I'll be happy to

Follow you, love

 

Red letter day, I'm in a blue mood

Wishing that blue would just carry me away

I've been talking to God, don't know if it's helping or not,

But surely something has got to, got to, got to give

Cuz I can't keep waiting to live

 

 

How far do I have to go to get to you?

Many the miles, many the miles

How far do I have to go to get to you?

Many the miles, send me the miles,

And I'll be happy to

Follow you, love

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjL2KbnCv60 

 

 

 

 

 

 

restless

I'm antsy today. So I figured I'd blog. This will be a bullet-list of miscellaneous thoughts.

• Election talk has officially started. I read a comment on a friend-of-a-friend's blog today, and it got me all prickly inside. I have a love/hate relationship with election season. I think it's because I have strong opinions but hate conflict (bad combination). So that means that whenever someone expresses a political opinion that rubs me the wrong way, I keep quiet but seethe inside. And then blog about it. Haha.


• I was just flipping through my iPod (on shuffle, skipping around until something good came up), and I had to laugh when "Leave" by Glen Hansard appeared, immediately followed by "Stay" by Jeremy Camp. Stuff like that amuses me.


• Speaking of music...I know I'm going to sound like a crotchety old fart when I say this, but I have been a little disturbed lately by the messages I've been hearing in popular music lately. I like top 40 music, especially stuff that is catchy and has a good beat, but I really don't like having Rihanna's S&M song stuck in my head for days on end. I'm just sayin. And I used to think Ke$ha (aka "K-e-dollar-sign-HA," as the principal in Glee calls her) was upbeat and fun, but with each new song of hers that comes out, the more it bugs me how much of what she sings about is just dirty. Makes me glad not to be the parent of a teenager right now. (I know, I know, crotchety old fart. I warned you.)

Okay, that's all I got right now.

today I am thankful for

-naps that refresh when I really need it

 

-flexible work schedules

 

-friends who listen and pray for me

 

-spring being right around the corner (winter storm or no winter storm--the end of this is in sight, I know it!)

 

-moments of clarity

 

-work friends coming back from maternity leave

 

-seeing the sun on the drive to work

 

-baby cheeks

 

-fuzzy kitties

I wish

I'm digging this song lately. It just speaks to me about the desire to be free of all the fears and anxieties and insecurities that hold us back, and I can relate to that. Plus, Sara Bareilles is just awesome.

 

Let the Rain - Sara Bareilles

 

I wish I were pretty

I wish I were brave

If I owned this city,

Then I'd make it behave

 

And if I were fearless,

Then I'd speak my truth

And the world would hear this

That's what I wish I'd do

 

If my hands could hold them, you'd see

I'd take all these secrets in me

And I'd move and mold them to be

Something I'd set free

 

I want to darken in the skies, open the floodgates up

I want to change my mind, I want to be enough

I want the water in my eyes, I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down, make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down, make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down tonight

 

I hold onto worry so tight

It's safe in here, right next to my heart

Who now shouts at the top of her voice,

"Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice!"

 

I've always felt it before,

That the world was filled with much more

Than the drowning soul I've learned to be

I just need the rain to remind me

 

I want to darken in the skies, open the floodgates up

I want to change my mind, I want to be enough

I want the water in my eyes, I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down, make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down, make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down tonight